Awe.

Christmas time is upon us. Seriously...it's creeping up very quickly. Today is Decmeber 4th. That means Santa is visiting in just 21 days. That means three weeks. I can hardly believe how fast time goes. The older I get, the faster it seems to race by.

Last week I was really upset about the upcoming festivities that surround Christmas. My Birthday is the week before and between Birthday celebrations, Christmas parties, family gatherings, spending Christmas and New Years in Pennsylvania, and trying my best to enjoy the holiday cheer, I was frustrated. Actually, I was more than frustrated. I found myself on the couch in the prayer room at work crying in anticipation of the upcoming weeks. Overwhelmed. Tired. Drained. I have expectations for this Christmas season. I have things that I want to happen, magic I want to see, prayers that I want God to answer. Over the weekend, He took those expectations from me. I don't think those prayers are going to be answered this holiday season and despite that revelation I have an overwhelming peace. God allowed me to realize that this time of year isn't about me and my expectations. It isn't about me and the things I want. It's about Him. It's about this gift God sent from heaven to save me from this world and from my awful sins. EVERYTHING I do this holiday season should be in His name: the gifts I receive, the events I enjoy, the decorations, the music, all of it! In living like that I want to exude His light by loving everyone around me. No Grinch status. Strangers on the street, my co-workers, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, the people I see at church, anyone I encounter throughout my day. I want to exude God's love, His grace, the knowledge of His gift of salvation and an eternity with Him.

I want to prepare my heart for the coming of the King. I want to remember and learn more about who He is, what He did, how He loved. To help, I'm diving into the bible. I'm doing three holiday devotionals leading up to December 25th. Ambitious I know. But it forces me to think about more than just the presents and the tinsel. One of the devotions is based on Christmas Carols and today's really inspired me. It talked about having awe inspiring moments and how technology and the fast paced world we live in, we don't often have "awe" moments. It challenged me to think of the last time I was truly in awe. I wish I could travel back in time, knowing what I know, and watch Jesus be born. I am pretty sure that would be the most magnificent event I or anyone else could experience. Yes, I know it wasn't a glamorous scene. It was a gross and nasty stable with gross and nasty smells and sounds and blah blah blah. But our Savior! Entering this world! Coming to save me! I'm challenging myself after reading this to find "awe" moments, especially this Christmas season. I want to allow God to sensitize my heart to these type of moments, and I want to give Him praise and glory for all He's done by entering this world.

Be Still

As you may or may not know, up until the past year, my life was very turbulent. To be honest, I was living in a black hole. I ran away from God and into the arms of a comfort I thought would sustain me and make me happy. It didn't. It actually did the exact opposite. Many of you know the details of what my life looked like during this time and some of you may have no idea. I don't want to bore you with details. Rehashing my past is not what this blog is about. Needless to say, it was hard and painful. When God delivered me from that place He gave me many gifts. He allowed relationships with my family to be reestablished, He gave me the strength to finish school and get my Bachelor's degree, He provided me with great friends, He gave me an amazing man, He blessed me with an awesome job and provided me with awesome Christian co-workers. Blessed to say the least. Then He told me, "Be still." Yikes. Me? Be still? You've got to be kidding. If I'm not depressed or elated, things are uncomfortable. And in neither of those cases am I simply still. In the past year I've more often than not found myself waking up feeling content, flat lined (not dead flat lined, but just cruising along) and I hate it. I pray for God to fill me with passion, to show me what the next step is in my life. His response: Be Still, Be Patient, I am in control, let me fight for you, I know best. As I continue to push hard into Him in this time of quiet, I'm learning how to find joy in times that are calm.

I know how much I have to be grateful for. In order to find the joy He wants me to pursue, I need to continually (all day, everyday) thank Him for everything. For every opportunity. For every moment spent with my man. For every day that I wake up and go to my job. For the fact that I am living, breathing, loving. For such an awesome family. Yet I want to know what my future holds. I want to know what He has next for me. But for whatever reason He continues to tell me that this is a time of revival and prepartion. Either I am not prepared or whatever He is preparing for me is not ready.

I've asked God to light fires in me. And He has. Granted, they haven't been momentous, but He has directed me and filled my heart with stirrings. He's told me to have a conversation with Tim. At first I thought it was of my own hearts desires. I prayed for weeks and the answer came back, and continues to come back the same. He drills it into me that I need to express this to Tim. That I need to instigate this conversation. His voice in telling me to do so has not faltered. I've had an issue at work, and God quickly told me, discuss this with your co-worker. Yet I have failed to do so. I am fearful of others reactions. I am fearful of rejection. I am fearful of failure. Yet I know these things have been placed on my heart by the Lord. And yet I fail to obey.

So although I sit in frustration with this contentment I should not be allowed to complain. When God tests me with little challenges, with little stirrings in my heart that I have asked for Him to place there, I fail to answer.

One Purpose: Glorify His Name

The message at church Sunday morning overwhelmed me. I love sermons that are layered. That are intricate. That may impact new believers, but that also penetrate the souls that have known Jesus for a long time. Scott talked about tempation and the times that Jesus has been tempted by the Devil. He talked about how we often take shortcuts, and how we often use the saying "Just this once." It's so true. How many times do you find yourself longing for instant gratification. But the truth is, we were placed on this earth by our maker for one reason alone: To serve our Lord and to bring Him glory. A shortcut means that we aren't living for Him but are living to fill the voids in our own lives. Here's the thing: God never said life would be easy. He never said we wouldn't be tempted. He never said that we wouldn't suffer. Look at His life! He lived and died so that we may be saved. You think that's easy? You think it's easy to hang on a cross? To get spat on? To be mocked and made fun of? To be perfect in every aspect of life and resist temptation? To have a crown of thrones mashed into your skull? To be brutally whipped? To be betrayed by your own friends? To carry a cross whilst covered in blood and just about naked? To know this was all coming and feel the despair and anguish and know that your only choice is to obey your Father?

I'm not on this earth to be happy and chase butterflies. God will bring me joy but it's entirely possible that I'm going to suffer through the process. He didn't create me to suffer, but he didn't create me to live a selfish and self satisfying life. He created me to serve Him, to further His kingdom, to glorify Him in ALL that I do. I don't do any of that often and that's the only reason on I'm this earth. Yikes. So when I think about the little issues in life that plague me, (health, money, work, relationships) I have to stop and remember, I am living and breathing for Him alone. And it may not be easy. Fact: it won't be easy. I'm going to suffer. I want to live that life. I want to strive to be all that He created. I want to bring Him glory. Because in bringing Him glory and furthering His kingdom, He will show me true joy.

Jesus vs. Satan

Life tends to be a constant roller coaster for me. A battle between my living God and Satan for control over my heart. Anytime I draw near to my creator and feel His goodness, Satan takes jabs at my heart. The sucky part: I know it. And I feel helpless.

Yesterday I was motivated to compose a blog about all the wonderful people in my life. I have some amazing girlfriends, both old and new. I had a great conversation about God and bold prayers the other night with a long time sister in Christ. It was inspiring. I left feeling uplifted and on fire for God. I had dinner and drinks with another dear friend the other night. I just love her heart. I spent the weekend with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. And not only did I feel cared for by my boyfriend, but I felt intensely cared for by his guy friends. I've recently met a couple and love their hearts for Jesus. The wife of the couple has become someone I feel like I can walk the hard road with on our path to know our dear Savior better.

Then today...I wake up and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Not physically, but strictly emotionally. Although I mustered the energy to get out of bed and walk my butt into work, I feel dead inside. I feel alone. I'm scared. I'm empty. And I ache. And I have no.idea.why. And I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being attacked. I'm sick of asking my friends, my family, my boyfriend, to pray for this sadness and ache that seems trivial because it stems from no where. I feel like I'm suffocating, so I ask for help. And then after I ask for help, I instantly regret it. Shouldn't I be stronger and more independent than to cry out for help. This is no one's problem but my own. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting.

Thank you to all that sent encouraging bible verses and prayed for me today. Thank you for your love. I don't deserve it.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

"'You know Satan will attack when you try and draw nearer to our Creator. Well get behind me Satan,' he said." Matthew 16:23

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 21:8

Take Time

I'm inspired to write today. It's been a while since I've been in a decent mindset to pour out my thoughts. Ironically, I'm confused and lost as ever. On days I write, I try to premeditate my entries. On my way to work today I had planned out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to articulate those thoughts. Yet my blogs never read the way I planned and I end up writing in a totally different direction than had been envisioned in my little brain.

I took time this morning. Simple as that. When I got out of bed I was deliberate about taking time and being fully present. I took the time to exercise. I took time to worship God. I took time to do a load of laundry. I took time to dry my hair, to pick out clothes and get dressed, to carefully put my face on. I concentrated while I lined my eyes in black, while I tied my shoes, while I made my coffee. I do these things everyday, but today I thought about what I was doing. I slowed down and concentrated on the moment. I was fully present while driving to work. I didn't get impatient by the slow moving Prius in front of me, I didn't swerve in and out of lanes to make sure I was going at least 9 mph over the speed limit at all times. I made it a point to not rush through my morning. And because of that, my head feels clear today. At the same time, I have so many issues that need to be cleansed from within me. I need Jesus to heal me. I need Jesus to allot me patience. I need Jesus to make in me a content heart. I need to fully trust Jesus.

This is a week of healing for me. It is also a week full of pain. I'm remembering events that transpired at the same time this week of last year. I'm opening old wounds. I'm having flashbacks. My heart feels like it's being ripped apart by wolves (I watched the movie The Grey this weekend). I've found myself voicing how badly I want to disappear, to run away from the piercing pain, to simply no longer feel the pain. I'm having a hard time breathing (literally). My chest is tight. I've cried so hard my eyes are bloodshot. I've hyperventilated. I've asked my dad, my mom, and my boyfriend to hold me. I'm prone to panic and anxiety attacks but have learned how to suppress them and not let anyone else see how much pain I'm in. But I want to get better. I want to heal. The only way that's possible is if I allow myself to hurt. I suck at articulating my needs. But God, through one of my great friends, told me that it's ok to share my weaknesses and my needs with the people that claim to love me. And if they truly love and care for me, they are going to do all they can to meet those needs. My fear is that they will see me as needy and a burden. I never want to be a burden to anyone. But I can't fully love if I'm feeling empty and broken. It's a new thought for me to communicate how I'm feeling. That I don't have to pretend to be a rock all the time. That voicing my past hurts and my needs does not make me a weak person. A front is what makes me a weak person. Holy crap. Revelation. I had the strength, the courage, to voice to Tim what I need from him in the season and state I'm currently in. He listened and responded. That wasn't so hard was it? I hope that gives me encouragement to continue this emotional honesty thing.

I'm ready for the next step in my life. Some of you are going to decipher this real quick and hopefully it remains cryptic to some. But I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward. Life is always going to have it's challenges and God is always going to place obstacles in front of us,  but when He gives us something good and He clearly marks it as being the right thing, you have to grasp it. Ironically it's not fully my decision to grasp and take hold of it. That's where the patience piece comes in. I know in my heart what I want and what God has placed in front of me. Now I simply need to ask Him to give me the patience to wait for it. Sucky. But it's totally worth it. I am so grateful for the gift He has given me and I need to be content with the state it's currently in. And hopeful for what it will grow into. I need to trust that whatever God's timing is and whatever He has planned for this next stage is His plan. Not mine!

"'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

Greener Grass from the Past

The past is hard for me. I don't really like a lot of parts of my past. There are many parts that I look back on quite fondly, but there are also parts that I look back on and I get sick to my stomach. Here's the thing, I wouldn't trade those moments (good or bad) for anything in this world. They have shaped and formed me into the lady I am today. Granted, I'm not perfect. I haven't reached my full potential. God's not done with me. There will always be work that needs to be done in and through me. There will always be parts of me that need healing. I will always be on a journey. My destination will never be reached, and I love that.

Other people's pasts are also hard for me. Why? I have no idea. My heart aches when I know the events and wrongs that have happened to people in my life. Suffering is such an awful thing and it kills me to know so many have suffered. It especially hurts me to know that a lot of people regret and wish they could change their pasts. I don't believe our pasts define us, but they do shape us into who we are today. Without the events and people entered our pasts, none of us would be who we are now. Our character would be different, our values, our priorities, our demeanor...the list goes on. Yet I become resentful when I view other's pasts aches. I either resent the event or the people that hurt these loved ones.

Yet I know these events, these people, these parts of us all bring us to where we are. And I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful that my past has led me to be at the job I'm at, to have the close knit family I have, to live in the state (oh beautiful Colorado) I'm in, to have the friends around me I have. I'm so grateful that the circumstances have somehow brought the people in my life to where they are and how they are. Your past may suck. Your past may be beautiful. But you are where you are for a reason. Your journey is not over. The important thing is to seek God's will for the next step. Stay close to Him. He may not have an easy road planned for you, but He promises that He will do good. He will always protect you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. He will always bring you to the other side. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the other side is truly greener.

Hearts Desire

There are numerous passages in the bible about God answering prayer and answering the desires of your heart. Whenever I see these verses my anxiety spikes.

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"...whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22
 "You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you." John 15:16

"I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." John 11:22

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:2

"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it" John 14:13-14

"Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

The list goes on and on..

I also know that God will change the desires of your heart according to His plan for you. I know His plan prevails above all else. He knows better than me, He knows what my future looks like because He planned it. He has brought me through my past to where I am today for a reason. He is going to do great things in me and through me. My future is bright because He alone is in control.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The one thing I have consistently and always wanted, deep in my heart and for as long as I can remember, is to have a constant companion and someday be a wife. Growing up I would be on the ski hill talking to myself, pretending I was talking to my husband. I was probably like 6 years old. I'd pretend we were both there and "we" would make plans to go home and make dinner and hot tub together (a ritual after a hard day on the slopes). Instead of having an imaginary friend I had an imaginary husband. He literally went with me everywhere. (This is the first time I've ever admitted to having an imaginary husband. Please be kind). When I was in high school, I predicated I'd be married by 21. Anyone that has been in my life when I've been in a relationship knows how loyal and devoted I am, and it's because I thrive in that environment. My strengths come out. My heart has always longed for a great man to spend my life with. God has changed other desires within me, but this has always been a constant. Sadly, I've been in a few too many " bad" relationships. I have a self worth problem. I don't believe that God is going to grant the desires of my heart because he hasn't done so in the past. In fact, I've been "used and abused" to the nth degree. I don't feel like I deserve a great, Godly, amazing man. I don't know how to be treated well. I don't know how to be cared for. I've never experienced that before, and hence it scares the crap out of me. Now that I have this great, Godly, amazing man, I am scared to death that God is going to take him from me. I have this notion that God is going to say, "Here's a teaser. This guy is amazing. He cares about you, he takes care of you, he treats you like a princess, he loves me. He's amazing. And you two are amazing together. You care about him, you adore him, you love being in his company, you could take care of him for the rest of your life. Now I'm taking him away from you." I don't trust that it's real or that it's going to last. I find myself in this depressed state, pre-mourning a loss that I feel is inevitable. And it's a lie. I know in my head that I deserve better, that I am (as Tim puts it) a queen, that I am God's daughter, that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, that I deserve to have Tim in my life right now. This all resonates in my head. But my heart can't grasp it and it causes me extreme anxiety. I pray about it constantly. I know the devil is trying to sabotage this relationship and he knows this is my weakness. It's a lie that I shouldn't let into my heart. I read into things way too much because I'm paranoid of being tossed aside. Last night I was reading these "signs" (I'm sure it was my imagination, or the devil creating these "signs") and I got an awful pit in my stomach. I felt sick to my stomach. For the first time, I was attacked when I was in Tim's presence and I had to share this weakness with him. The outcome, conversation, and prayer that followed was all God's work. I was open with Tim, but it hurt. He reacted wonderfully.  Truth was spoken. We prayed. I cried.  I should feel extremely encouraged today. I saw even more so last night how amazing this man is, how God centered his life is. And I think it scared me even more. I am left today with this dark cloud over my head. Excuse me, but wtf? I know I'm stronger than this. I know God wants better  for me than this.  

God, heal me from what ails my heart.

Salve for My Soul

I love blogging. It really is a salve for my soul.

This one might be a little scattered as I continue to process the events and emotions that have been happening in and around me as of late.

It's an interesting time in my life. I have so much joy that's exuding from me. So many great people surround me. I've made some incredible friends in the past month. Friends that I can only pray God will let me hold onto as lifers. I also have had the chance to really look into the hearts and lives of old friends. Some of these old friends love Jesus, some don't. I've never been the type to stick with a "clique." I have quite a few friends that are a bit older than me (like 25+ years older). I have lots of friends that are boys. I have a few solid Christian girlfriends, and a few girlfriends that don't know Jesus at all. And I love every single one of these people. They make my life richer, fuller, more diverse. I learn lessons from each individual. Vastly different lessons, but their experiences let me see God in new and fresh ways. Keep me on my toes. Don't ever let me become complacent.

A friend of mine blogged that we shouldn't become numb to tragedy. I'm numb. I'm numb to any negative thing that's happening in my life right now. There is so much joy that I want to focus on that I am simply not allowing myself to process the hard stuff. I'm sick of the hard stuff. I want to live a life of joy. I'm aware that this is not healthy. Even more reason for me to talk to a professional. Over the past couple of years I've learned that I live in denial. It's a horrible trait. It bottles up, and then I snap. Not in an angry way, but my emotions just flow out of me in the form of tears and screams. Panic attack style. I pray for the dear souls that are around me when all my denial flows out in what I'm anticipating the near future. I apologize in advance. I don't purposely deny these feelings. I wish I could grieve now instead of later. I wish I knew how to let my heart hurt again. I shed a tear or two the other day at church when the Pastor was talking about the Aurora shooting, I've shed a tear or two while reading the stories that have come from this tragedy, and I sobbed on my bed for a bit the day after it happened (I think this was more due to exhaustion though). Otherwise, I feel numb. I had a panic attack when our own beloved Spencer took his life, but then when Claire took hers, I simply shut down and I don't think I've allowed myself to feel loss since then. I was brokenhearted when I lost my Grandfather in May. I did cry. But not at all in the way I would have expected myself to cry. I still expect to see him at some family gathering in the near future. I don't truly believe he is really gone. There are other tragedies in my life I have not yet processed and know I'm in denial about. I simply pretend they never happened. I am numb to grief. Pray for the day it all comes out.

Some of you may already know this all too well about me (coughJessicaTaylorRichie) but I am great at living in false joy. Pretending that I'm happy, that I think life is great, making sure to keep a smile on my face and living strong because those around me need me to when deep inside I'm fatally bleeding and hurting. Although there are a couple of things I am refusing to grieve, I really do believe that for the first time in years I am living with a happy and joyful heart. Thank Jesus for delievering me from my past and giving me a future to look forward to. Thank Jesus for allowing me to live in the present state I am living in. Thank Jesus for community, for family, for a job I love. I love loving people, and He has given me so many people to love. What a wonderful way to walk through life.

I have a servant and givers heart. Christmas and Birthdays are so awesome. You get to take entire days to spoil people. Christmas you get to do it in mass numbers, and Birthdays you get to make a single person feel overly loved and special for an entire day (or if you're friends with me, an entire week or weekend). What a cool thing. It's almost more of a present to myself when these days come along. Giving brings joy to my heart. Loving people the way they deserved to be loved puts a huge smile on my face. I have the worst time receiving (see "Lake" post) but giving, yeah, that's my forte. I get to serve, love, and spoil my smf (have people figured out who this special man is yet?) this weekend. It's his 26th Birthday. Woohoo! I'm ready to fast forward to Saturday morning so that I can shower him and spoil him. You might argue that we should life this way everyday. Don't get me wrong, I think we need to love big all the time. We know not to take life for granted and were recently reminded that our last day may in fact be today. But I also value special days. Days we do things we don't daily have the time or resources to do. It's ok to be extravagant sometimes.

"I've reminded before but I'll do it again, "Seize life! Eat bread with gusto, drink wine with a robust heart. Oh yes -- God takes pleasure in your pleasure! Dress festively every morning. Don't skimp on colors and scarves. Relish life with the spouse you love. Each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily! This is your last and only chance at it." -Ecclesiates 9:7-10

If I  lived this way everyday, I would never get anything done. I accept the challenge to make the most of each day. But every once in a while, GO REALLY BIG. When it's time to celebrate your loved ones--celebrate them in the way Jesus has commanded. Love big. Love hard.

Sad.Confused.Grasping for Joy

I am so confused right now. My emotions have no idea what they are doing. I am sure it doesn't help that I got a maximum of two hours of sleep last night. It probably also doesn't help that I'm a woman. Yeah, I said it. Hormones are my worst enemy.

I went and saw the Dark Knight Rises with Sean and Tim. I was happy to be there. Happy to be sitting next to two great guys, sharing in a midnight "adventure," pretending I was a teen again. I fought sleep the entire time.

The three of us shook our heads every time the theater would break out in applause and cheering due to either the start of the movie, Batman's first appearance, or the introduction of Robin's character. It is silly to cheer at movies. I understand they are great entertainment. But they are not real. And they are simply that: entertainment. Here was Sean's insight: These people don't live their own adventures and instead resort to making fantasy their reality. So sad to me. This point was just further drawn after we learned of the shooting, and the dude dressed as a bad guy with Joker hair who claimed to be the Joker. What the hell is wrong with people? I understand being lonely. Being lonely sucks. But how does taking other people's life's help? My happiness quickly turned sour when I learned of this tragedy. It brought me back to Columbine when I was a little girl. I didn't go to school the next day. I just laid in bed, trying to understand with an underdeveloped and naive brain what the hell happened. Why would people want to kill other people? Well now I'm a grown up. And I still don't understand. When I got home last night I researched all I could about what was happening. I didn't sleep. And instead of being able to lay in the safety of my own bed all day today and ponder why this world is so broken, I'm at work. Sleep deprived. Brokenhearted. Confused. When all I want to do is be rejoicing for the great people and events that are happening in my life.

I've also been struggling with someone very dear to my heart. For a while now. They are in a dark place. As hard as I've tried to help them and show them my love, things are just not pretty. It breaks my heart for them, for me, for my relationship with them. It's toxic for me to be around and it's hard to love them when they bring me down. It's hard to actively love them when I feel like my life is in such a great place. I will forever love this person. Unconditionally. But it's hard to display this love by investing in them right now. I pray this changes.

I'm paranoid about losing the things that God has placed in my life. It's that whole thing I write about over and over again. I need to relinquish control and trust that God's will will be done. So much easier said than done. I say it all the time. I don't believe it at all. Even when I try to practice it. I read too much into things. There is probably nothing to read at all. And God's plan is what is best for my life. Why can't I trust that?

Let's just throw all of that on top of the "secret" I wrote about in my last blog that I am now trying to process. Life is so complicated. Life is so confusing. I don't get it. Thank goodness I don't have to. Thank goodness all that matters is God's love. And God's plan. I am here for Him, because of Him, and at His mercy.

Secrets

I like to blog when I'm on the elliptical. Funny place to blog, I know. But it makes me get lost in my thoughts instead of focusing on the sweat dripping down my face and the heavy breathing.

Before you read on, this is a heavy post. I've let it sit for a couple days as I've prayed about it. My blog is here to share with the people I love. And to let people know me. And to witness God's miracles through my life. And hopefully to impart His love as I experience it. This is my heart. If you find yourself reading this, please respect that. And if you can't, push the close button on this post right.about.now.

Lately I've been processing my deepest and darkest secret. Its an ugly one. A painful one. I was in denial about it for about 8 months, but then realized my special man friend probably needed to know about it. I had told a couple girlfriends right when it happened, then did everything in my power to brush it aside and pretend it was no big deal. Here's the thing. It is a huge deal. It's something thats going to effect me the rest of my life. Its going to effect the way I live in relationship with people, the way I act around strangers, the way I walk down the street. I've been in denial about this too. That if I act like it didn't happen, then I'll live like it didn't happen. Reality is it did happen. When I told my special man friend (let's call him smf from here on out) it was the first time I cried over it. It was the first time I felt that it was real. It was the first time I acknowledged that I need help. Ok, and to be fair, I didn't acknowledge I need help, he acknowledged that I need help. Life is hard. Life hurts. And I am so grateful that God is giving me people to help me and love me through it. I was terrified that my smf would have been angry, or mad at me, or no longer want anything to do with me. He wasn't. He sat, listened, wrapped his arms around me, and displayed God's love for me.

I had my first dream about this secret two nights ago. A dream you can't shake. I woke up crying. I was terrified. It was the most vivid dream I've ever had. I remember what the other people in it were wearing, what I was wearing, I felt touch, I smelled the streets, I heard the cries. This secret has worked its way from the deepest place in my bones, to my subconscious, and now I need to get help so that I may live fully in His grace without fear.

 Thank you all for loving me, even though I am broken.

Tatted Up

I've never blogged about my tattoos before, and to me this is kinda strange. They are an important part of my body, they are an important part of me. They are not something God gave to me "...I am fearfully and wonderfully made." -Psalm 139:14, but are ways in which I decided I was going to alter what God created. That is a big responsibility. I didn't get any of my six tattoos without thinking about that. People often ask me if I regret any of the tattoos I have. Trust me. I don't. People also ask how I can decide on something that's going to be a permanent addition to my wonderfully and perfectly made body. Here are the stories behind each:

#1: A simple black cross with three dots going down the side to represent the trinity. I designed this one when I was 17 preparing for my 18th birthday when I could sneak off and get a tattoo without my parent's permission. It lays on my right hip bone. I've been told a time or two that this is a completely inappropriate place to have a symbol of Jesus. And those that tell me this are completely correct. But it was a place easily hidden from my parents. I was a rebel at this age, and yeah, I thought it was sexy. Granted, the meaning of the cross was important to me at the time and the trinity was a concept that I had newly wrapped my head around. But the reason for getting the tattoo and the placement were simply a rebellious act. This is who I was then. When my parents learned of this tattoo (frickin' AOL instant messenger) they took all my high school graduation money from me as my punishment. To this day, I haven't seen a cent of it. It was one of many battles I had with my parents over the next couple years for my independence and coming of age. I got there though. And that tattoo is a reminder of where I've come from and a reminder of what Jesus Christ did on that cross for me.

#2: God's large beautiful hands holding a heart. The left side of the heart is beaten and ugly and the right side is glowing and pure. Inside the heart is the verse Proverbs 4:23 (which reads, "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.") This gorgeous piece of art lays just above the tramp stamp area of my back and reaches to the top of my bra line. It spans the entire width of my back. Placement for this one was because it was a big flat surface and at the time I wanted no tattoos to be visible for the day I would eventually wear a wedding dress. The significance of this tattoo comes from one of my biggest strengths and at the same time my biggest weakness. I love hard. And I get hurt...hard. My heart is transformed and made new in God's hands. He will always be the keeper of my heart. I give my heart away easily and it's been broken and hurt more times than I want to count. I need to always remember to guard my heart. And I need to always remember who holds my heart.

#3: Five large plumeria start at my right armpit and weave their way down to the cross on my hip bone. They lay on some decorative, deep red, frilly stuff. This piece was eventually supposed to get colored in but after a brutal four hour session, I have vowed to never let a tattoo artist touch my side again. My family grew up taking trips to Maui, Hawaii every winter. Some of my fondest memories of my mom, dad, Chris, and Ryan come from our times spent in Hawaii. It's a sacred place for my family. Over the years I have fallen in love with the plumeria flower. The simplicity, beauty, and intoxicating smell that come from it are wondrous. Each flower tattooed on my side represents a member of my immediate family (including myself) and is a reminder that no matter what happens in this crazy thing called life, they will always be by my side. They're not going anywhere. Lifers. I know they will always love me and I will always love them. They've seen me at my absolute best and absolute worst. They've carried me through the trenches and praised my accomplishments. This is a tribute to them. They are beautiful.

#4 & #5: The words Faith and Hope are tattooed on the underside of my left forearm and the words Grace and Love are on the same place on my right. They are done in beautiful black script and are outlined in bright red. I see these words countless times a day. I did this on purpose, and the pairings are not an accident. The reason God gave us the gift of Grace is because He loves us. Without His love, there would be no reason for Grace. Without Hope, we cannot have faith. Faith is defined as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1. If your Hope is in Jesus Christ, than you can have Faith. I need to be constantly reminded of these things. I need to keep my Hope in the Lord so that I may have Faith in Him and I need to remember that He Loves me so much that he gave me Grace, a gift I won't ever deserve.

#6: The words "Loves you all" in my Grandpa Stucka's very own handwriting are on the inside of my right lower leg. This one is pretty self explanatory. Grandpa left us May 18, 2012. I love this man dearly. I miss him more than you can imagine. He loved better than most people can dream to. Although he would say something like, "What the hell did you do that for?" I want a piece of him with me everywhere I go. He physically may be in heaven, but his presence in my life is not going anywhere.


My tattoos are important to me because they tell my story. They are a timeline of where I've been, of what has been important to me, and they are constant reminders of who I am. They are artwork, stories, lessons learned, and tributes to those I love.

Can guys and girls just be friends?

Ok. I need some prayer help. Sometimes, with some people, I have a very short patience fuse. It usually happens with guys. I have this horrible issue of being a BIG flirt. I got in lots of trouble with this in high school. But it comes from me enjoying and relating better to guys than I do girls. Plus, I like being nice to people. I like making people feel good about themselves. Sometimes this comes off as leading people on. I ask the question all the time, "Can't I just be friends with a guy?" I'll be friends with a male, they think it's something more, I stop talking to them for a while in hopes they'll get the hint that although I'd like to be their friend I don't want anything more, then they start talking to me again, and the cycle starts all over. I get overly annoyed when I straight up tell someone that I'm dating someone else and they still pursue me for more than a friendship. I get annoyed when people pretend or think they know me when they don't at all. If you know me, great. If you don't, don't say things to me that you have no right to say. Don't try to wedge yourself into situations that I don't want you in. If I'm dating someone else, there are parts of my heart that really, in order to respect me and the guy I'm dating, you really should steer clear of anyway. I don't want you to know me any more than I give. You'll know if I want more than a friendship. And if you want to be my friend and know that there are lines that you shouldn't cross, I'll probably let you see more of my heart. If I've rejected you once, I'll probably do it again. And if it's meant to be, it'll happen. Be my friend, but if you can't strictly be my friend, then don't. Spare us both the awkward and uncomfortable pain.

Please pray that God would give me patience with these people. Please pray that God would protect my heart. Please pray that God would protect their hearts. Please pray that God would protect the "special" people in my life's hearts. Please pray that God would protect my friends hearts.

Lake

Life. It is so cool. I am so grateful for my situation right now. When I sit back and think about where I was a year ago, tears come to my eyes. Tears of joy because I have been delievered from such awful darkness. At this time last year I was isolated from my family and friends. I was far from God. I was scared, alone, hurting, and being hurt. I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. God said no. God said, "I have something bigger and better for you. You are mine and I am going to deliever you from a future life of abuse." Here I am today. I've got new friends that love Jesus, that care for me, and that are a whole lot of fun to be around. I am closer to my brother's and sister-in-law than I have ever been, and I have a beautiful baby nephew. God has taught me to be grateful and to find joy in all things. And he has taught me to live my life in the moment. Although anxiety still plagues me, He is slowly teaching me to trust His voice and His hand. He alone is in control.

God has been pounding the same lesson into my heart lately. Crazy how the same lesson shows up in the book I am reading, the sermons I've been hearing, the songs I've been listening to, and the conversations that I've engaged in. He wants me to hear it. And he wants me to obey.

We went to the lake yesterday. It was awesome. To be around people enjoying the sun and water, to be with people that I respect and care for. To feel the heat and see the gorgeous rolling hills behind the water. Couldn't have asked for a better day. I sat with two awesome men and we talked about some real heart matters. I can't emphasize how lucky I am to have people in my life that care about me and that want what's best for me. We talked a lot about grace. About the best things in our lives right now. About what it is like to be valued by our king. One of the guys I was with doesn't know me very well. I mean, he and I have had a couple of conversations, but we don't see each other all that often and I've only known him for about 5 weeks now. As we were talking, and although I think I briefly have mentioned this to him before, he pointed out one of my biggest weaknesses. Ouch. Albeit he did it in such a loving and serving way. As you may or may not know, I do not have very high self worth and I have the hardest time letting people love and serve me. My past has defined this part of my heart. I've dated and hung out with guys all my life that have continuely told me how worthless I am and treated me that way. I've been used. I've never felt valued. You start to believe and live out the words that are drilled into your head, even if you know better. Sean told me that my worth is only given to me by Jesus. And that's all that matters. I may not deserve it, but it was given to me. And to Jesus, I am a precious daughter. This all came up because I tried to take our beer bottles and cans to the trash can, and Sean told me to sit down and let him serve  me. That sucked. Letting him serve me, even in that small way, was painful. I watched him walk to that trash can with a grimace on my face. Yet all I want to do for other people is serve them. I want to clean for them, I want to listen to them, I want to take them to dinner, to treat them to drinks, to give backs rubs, to bake and cook for them, to give them rides to the airport, to be a drink holder, to do their laundry, to keep them company when they don't want to be alone. You name it, I want to do it. I want to serve and make other people feel special. As Sean and I were telling Tim that we want to take him out and spoil him for his Birthday weekend, I felt like a hypocrite. Sean said that serving other people is also serving yourself because you feel good about yourself by making other's feel good. I can't let other people make me feel good. Why can't I accept the love and gifts that other people try to give me? I would rather die serving other people than letting anyone ever serve me. I get uncomfortable getting my nails done, or paying to get a massage because someone else is serving me. I hate getting my hair cut because someone else has to perform a service for me. It's super uncomfortable for me when other people try to pay for things, even when I'm going on dates. Heck, I can't let someone else walk to the trash can for me. Why do I feel so devalued? Why have I been conditioned to believe the lie that I don't matter, that my life is meager and not worthy, that I should be the one that bows down at everyone's feet? And why am I ok with it? I know the truth. I know it's a lie that I'm worthless, yet I am so uncomfortable when treated otherwise.

A Silly Little Thing Called Love

I am reading a book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. I love reading inspirational, Jesus type books. Granted, I know nothing beats the direct word of God, but getting into other Christian's minds and seeing the light from a different perspective is always fascinating to me. Ann talks a lot about how through a thankful heart, thankful for everything in our lives including the good and bad, that we thank God for what has come our way. Through this thanksgiving we find joy. We need to pratice being thankful for everything, every tiny little thing. One of my favorite quotes (thus far) reads, "And that's definite: I will lose every single person I have ever loved. Either abruptly or eventually. All human relationships end in loss." This hit me hard. Those very words are my absolute biggest fear in life. Loss. Especially of ones I have invested in. Especially ones I have loved and loved hard. It all goes back to that control thing. It is a gift that I get to love any of these people in the first place. I need to be grateful for that opportunity, however long or short they are placed in my life. What a gift to love! Be grateful. Find joy in the gift that amazing people have been placed in your life. Don't be greedy. And when they are taken from you, be grateful and know that it is because of God's grace that they were place in your life in the first place. His plan is sovereign. His plan is bigger than you can ever begin to imagine. The only reason I am on this earth is to glorify Him. My selfish desires seem so silly when I realize the only thing that matters is living a life full of love based on His love for His children, on living a life that shines His light, in living a life that is 100% glorifying to His name. He will take care of the rest.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

The imagery in this verse is amazing. The rusty gate, jumping mountains (as if mountains aren't already spectacular), burning at the stake. Goodness. Living like this would be magnificent. But I don't think your actions, your words, your beliefs can be pure and holy without love. And love only defined the way Jesus loves. Selfless, unconditional, sacrificing love. This is what we were made for! How freaking cool is that? I don't want to ever be bankrupt in this sense. I want to love hard.till.the.day.I.die. Leave it all on the line. Go big or go home. And so what if I get hurt? We broke Jesus' heart. Heck, we break His heart every second of every day. But He doesn't give up on us. He loves us no matter what we do. Here's my challenge, here's what I feel God is laying heavy on my heart: Love hard knowing that at any second He has the power to take it away. Don't be afraid to love with all you've got but instead be grateful for the opportunity and chance to shine His light.

2.Years.Later

I was talking to my dear friend the other day (am I allowed to use names? do blogs have to be anonymous? Well here is your shout out Mr. Tommy Lepke). We were sitting in what I'm now coining "the tree house" (in other words his beautiful Boulder home) talking about life, blogs, heart break, and the joy life can and will bring. It is so refreshing to have friends like him, that know my story, know my heart, and encourage me through Christ in all things. I was inspired to hop back on my blog after reading his new blog. It is indeed a great processing tool. When I did a search for this blog, because two years after my original post I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find it, I re-read my entries and was blown away by what consistently and apparently constantly plagues my heart. Control. And my inability to relinquish that control to my heavenly father.

I have a new friend in my life. He has a heart of gold (and unfortunately I'm not revealing his identity). His love for Jesus and the things God is doing through him blow me away. I've never met anyone like him. I've never met anyone with a heart so devoted to people and to loving like Jesus does. He has been persistent in inquiring about my heart, about who Carrie is, about what goes on in my little brain. For whatever reason I've had the hardest time opening up to him. I believe my past defines me. Not in a negative way but in the sense that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (oh hey, thanks Kelly Clarkson). I've got a painful past. I'll admit that. It's ugly. One that my family only knows bits and pieces of because I know how badly it would hurt them. But my story and experiences allow me to love people, to love them hard, to attempt to love them like Jesus loves me, to feel compassion and understanding for other people's hurts. Jesus is a healer, and I'm a living testament. Never in my life have I before been weary to let someone in, to let someone, anyone, know the darkest parts of my heart. Those heart wrenching stories are simply God's tools to show other people that He'll love them and comfort them no matter what. Never before have I had my heart on lock down. I'm not afraid to be known. In fact, I want to be an open book to whomever wants to know my story, because God uses my heartbreak as my biggest source of ministry. Any stranger, any friend, any guy I've dated in the past; no hesitation. I'm not afraid to let this guy know me. I want him to know what has shaped and molded me, I want zero secrets. Yet every time he asks I clam up. No words come out of my mouth. With encouragement from my dear friend Tommy, I wrote my story down. Unconventional? Heck yes. Sincere? You better believe it. I don't want to omit details. I want him to see my heart. Full disclosure. Wish.me.luck. And maybe say a little prayer for me.

I've been in a funk lately. My only answer has been to press hard into God's arms. I constantly feel alone, isolated, and anxious. God has put a huge gift in my life the past month, and I don't trust Him with it. I'm scared of getting hurt, scared He's dangling it in front of me only to snatch it away. If that's the case, I want him to take it now, before my heart gets stomped on. The visual of standing with my hands in front of me, palms up and open. "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all." Take it Lord, for it was yours to begin with and is only lent to me for however long you plan.