Salve for My Soul

I love blogging. It really is a salve for my soul.

This one might be a little scattered as I continue to process the events and emotions that have been happening in and around me as of late.

It's an interesting time in my life. I have so much joy that's exuding from me. So many great people surround me. I've made some incredible friends in the past month. Friends that I can only pray God will let me hold onto as lifers. I also have had the chance to really look into the hearts and lives of old friends. Some of these old friends love Jesus, some don't. I've never been the type to stick with a "clique." I have quite a few friends that are a bit older than me (like 25+ years older). I have lots of friends that are boys. I have a few solid Christian girlfriends, and a few girlfriends that don't know Jesus at all. And I love every single one of these people. They make my life richer, fuller, more diverse. I learn lessons from each individual. Vastly different lessons, but their experiences let me see God in new and fresh ways. Keep me on my toes. Don't ever let me become complacent.

A friend of mine blogged that we shouldn't become numb to tragedy. I'm numb. I'm numb to any negative thing that's happening in my life right now. There is so much joy that I want to focus on that I am simply not allowing myself to process the hard stuff. I'm sick of the hard stuff. I want to live a life of joy. I'm aware that this is not healthy. Even more reason for me to talk to a professional. Over the past couple of years I've learned that I live in denial. It's a horrible trait. It bottles up, and then I snap. Not in an angry way, but my emotions just flow out of me in the form of tears and screams. Panic attack style. I pray for the dear souls that are around me when all my denial flows out in what I'm anticipating the near future. I apologize in advance. I don't purposely deny these feelings. I wish I could grieve now instead of later. I wish I knew how to let my heart hurt again. I shed a tear or two the other day at church when the Pastor was talking about the Aurora shooting, I've shed a tear or two while reading the stories that have come from this tragedy, and I sobbed on my bed for a bit the day after it happened (I think this was more due to exhaustion though). Otherwise, I feel numb. I had a panic attack when our own beloved Spencer took his life, but then when Claire took hers, I simply shut down and I don't think I've allowed myself to feel loss since then. I was brokenhearted when I lost my Grandfather in May. I did cry. But not at all in the way I would have expected myself to cry. I still expect to see him at some family gathering in the near future. I don't truly believe he is really gone. There are other tragedies in my life I have not yet processed and know I'm in denial about. I simply pretend they never happened. I am numb to grief. Pray for the day it all comes out.

Some of you may already know this all too well about me (coughJessicaTaylorRichie) but I am great at living in false joy. Pretending that I'm happy, that I think life is great, making sure to keep a smile on my face and living strong because those around me need me to when deep inside I'm fatally bleeding and hurting. Although there are a couple of things I am refusing to grieve, I really do believe that for the first time in years I am living with a happy and joyful heart. Thank Jesus for delievering me from my past and giving me a future to look forward to. Thank Jesus for allowing me to live in the present state I am living in. Thank Jesus for community, for family, for a job I love. I love loving people, and He has given me so many people to love. What a wonderful way to walk through life.

I have a servant and givers heart. Christmas and Birthdays are so awesome. You get to take entire days to spoil people. Christmas you get to do it in mass numbers, and Birthdays you get to make a single person feel overly loved and special for an entire day (or if you're friends with me, an entire week or weekend). What a cool thing. It's almost more of a present to myself when these days come along. Giving brings joy to my heart. Loving people the way they deserved to be loved puts a huge smile on my face. I have the worst time receiving (see "Lake" post) but giving, yeah, that's my forte. I get to serve, love, and spoil my smf (have people figured out who this special man is yet?) this weekend. It's his 26th Birthday. Woohoo! I'm ready to fast forward to Saturday morning so that I can shower him and spoil him. You might argue that we should life this way everyday. Don't get me wrong, I think we need to love big all the time. We know not to take life for granted and were recently reminded that our last day may in fact be today. But I also value special days. Days we do things we don't daily have the time or resources to do. It's ok to be extravagant sometimes.

"I've reminded before but I'll do it again, "Seize life! Eat bread with gusto, drink wine with a robust heart. Oh yes -- God takes pleasure in your pleasure! Dress festively every morning. Don't skimp on colors and scarves. Relish life with the spouse you love. Each and every day of your precarious life. Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily! This is your last and only chance at it." -Ecclesiates 9:7-10

If I  lived this way everyday, I would never get anything done. I accept the challenge to make the most of each day. But every once in a while, GO REALLY BIG. When it's time to celebrate your loved ones--celebrate them in the way Jesus has commanded. Love big. Love hard.