I am so confused right now. My emotions have no idea what they are doing. I am sure it doesn't help that I got a maximum of two hours of sleep last night. It probably also doesn't help that I'm a woman. Yeah, I said it. Hormones are my worst enemy.
I went and saw the Dark Knight Rises with Sean and Tim. I was happy to be there. Happy to be sitting next to two great guys, sharing in a midnight "adventure," pretending I was a teen again. I fought sleep the entire time.
The three of us shook our heads every time the theater would break out in applause and cheering due to either the start of the movie, Batman's first appearance, or the introduction of Robin's character. It is silly to cheer at movies. I understand they are great entertainment. But they are not real. And they are simply that: entertainment. Here was Sean's insight: These people don't live their own adventures and instead resort to making fantasy their reality. So sad to me. This point was just further drawn after we learned of the shooting, and the dude dressed as a bad guy with Joker hair who claimed to be the Joker. What the hell is wrong with people? I understand being lonely. Being lonely sucks. But how does taking other people's life's help? My happiness quickly turned sour when I learned of this tragedy. It brought me back to Columbine when I was a little girl. I didn't go to school the next day. I just laid in bed, trying to understand with an underdeveloped and naive brain what the hell happened. Why would people want to kill other people? Well now I'm a grown up. And I still don't understand. When I got home last night I researched all I could about what was happening. I didn't sleep. And instead of being able to lay in the safety of my own bed all day today and ponder why this world is so broken, I'm at work. Sleep deprived. Brokenhearted. Confused. When all I want to do is be rejoicing for the great people and events that are happening in my life.
I've also been struggling with someone very dear to my heart. For a while now. They are in a dark place. As hard as I've tried to help them and show them my love, things are just not pretty. It breaks my heart for them, for me, for my relationship with them. It's toxic for me to be around and it's hard to love them when they bring me down. It's hard to actively love them when I feel like my life is in such a great place. I will forever love this person. Unconditionally. But it's hard to display this love by investing in them right now. I pray this changes.
I'm paranoid about losing the things that God has placed in my life. It's that whole thing I write about over and over again. I need to relinquish control and trust that God's will will be done. So much easier said than done. I say it all the time. I don't believe it at all. Even when I try to practice it. I read too much into things. There is probably nothing to read at all. And God's plan is what is best for my life. Why can't I trust that?
Let's just throw all of that on top of the "secret" I wrote about in my last blog that I am now trying to process. Life is so complicated. Life is so confusing. I don't get it. Thank goodness I don't have to. Thank goodness all that matters is God's love. And God's plan. I am here for Him, because of Him, and at His mercy.
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