Secrets

I like to blog when I'm on the elliptical. Funny place to blog, I know. But it makes me get lost in my thoughts instead of focusing on the sweat dripping down my face and the heavy breathing.

Before you read on, this is a heavy post. I've let it sit for a couple days as I've prayed about it. My blog is here to share with the people I love. And to let people know me. And to witness God's miracles through my life. And hopefully to impart His love as I experience it. This is my heart. If you find yourself reading this, please respect that. And if you can't, push the close button on this post right.about.now.

Lately I've been processing my deepest and darkest secret. Its an ugly one. A painful one. I was in denial about it for about 8 months, but then realized my special man friend probably needed to know about it. I had told a couple girlfriends right when it happened, then did everything in my power to brush it aside and pretend it was no big deal. Here's the thing. It is a huge deal. It's something thats going to effect me the rest of my life. Its going to effect the way I live in relationship with people, the way I act around strangers, the way I walk down the street. I've been in denial about this too. That if I act like it didn't happen, then I'll live like it didn't happen. Reality is it did happen. When I told my special man friend (let's call him smf from here on out) it was the first time I cried over it. It was the first time I felt that it was real. It was the first time I acknowledged that I need help. Ok, and to be fair, I didn't acknowledge I need help, he acknowledged that I need help. Life is hard. Life hurts. And I am so grateful that God is giving me people to help me and love me through it. I was terrified that my smf would have been angry, or mad at me, or no longer want anything to do with me. He wasn't. He sat, listened, wrapped his arms around me, and displayed God's love for me.

I had my first dream about this secret two nights ago. A dream you can't shake. I woke up crying. I was terrified. It was the most vivid dream I've ever had. I remember what the other people in it were wearing, what I was wearing, I felt touch, I smelled the streets, I heard the cries. This secret has worked its way from the deepest place in my bones, to my subconscious, and now I need to get help so that I may live fully in His grace without fear.

 Thank you all for loving me, even though I am broken.