Lake

Life. It is so cool. I am so grateful for my situation right now. When I sit back and think about where I was a year ago, tears come to my eyes. Tears of joy because I have been delievered from such awful darkness. At this time last year I was isolated from my family and friends. I was far from God. I was scared, alone, hurting, and being hurt. I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. God said no. God said, "I have something bigger and better for you. You are mine and I am going to deliever you from a future life of abuse." Here I am today. I've got new friends that love Jesus, that care for me, and that are a whole lot of fun to be around. I am closer to my brother's and sister-in-law than I have ever been, and I have a beautiful baby nephew. God has taught me to be grateful and to find joy in all things. And he has taught me to live my life in the moment. Although anxiety still plagues me, He is slowly teaching me to trust His voice and His hand. He alone is in control.

God has been pounding the same lesson into my heart lately. Crazy how the same lesson shows up in the book I am reading, the sermons I've been hearing, the songs I've been listening to, and the conversations that I've engaged in. He wants me to hear it. And he wants me to obey.

We went to the lake yesterday. It was awesome. To be around people enjoying the sun and water, to be with people that I respect and care for. To feel the heat and see the gorgeous rolling hills behind the water. Couldn't have asked for a better day. I sat with two awesome men and we talked about some real heart matters. I can't emphasize how lucky I am to have people in my life that care about me and that want what's best for me. We talked a lot about grace. About the best things in our lives right now. About what it is like to be valued by our king. One of the guys I was with doesn't know me very well. I mean, he and I have had a couple of conversations, but we don't see each other all that often and I've only known him for about 5 weeks now. As we were talking, and although I think I briefly have mentioned this to him before, he pointed out one of my biggest weaknesses. Ouch. Albeit he did it in such a loving and serving way. As you may or may not know, I do not have very high self worth and I have the hardest time letting people love and serve me. My past has defined this part of my heart. I've dated and hung out with guys all my life that have continuely told me how worthless I am and treated me that way. I've been used. I've never felt valued. You start to believe and live out the words that are drilled into your head, even if you know better. Sean told me that my worth is only given to me by Jesus. And that's all that matters. I may not deserve it, but it was given to me. And to Jesus, I am a precious daughter. This all came up because I tried to take our beer bottles and cans to the trash can, and Sean told me to sit down and let him serve  me. That sucked. Letting him serve me, even in that small way, was painful. I watched him walk to that trash can with a grimace on my face. Yet all I want to do for other people is serve them. I want to clean for them, I want to listen to them, I want to take them to dinner, to treat them to drinks, to give backs rubs, to bake and cook for them, to give them rides to the airport, to be a drink holder, to do their laundry, to keep them company when they don't want to be alone. You name it, I want to do it. I want to serve and make other people feel special. As Sean and I were telling Tim that we want to take him out and spoil him for his Birthday weekend, I felt like a hypocrite. Sean said that serving other people is also serving yourself because you feel good about yourself by making other's feel good. I can't let other people make me feel good. Why can't I accept the love and gifts that other people try to give me? I would rather die serving other people than letting anyone ever serve me. I get uncomfortable getting my nails done, or paying to get a massage because someone else is serving me. I hate getting my hair cut because someone else has to perform a service for me. It's super uncomfortable for me when other people try to pay for things, even when I'm going on dates. Heck, I can't let someone else walk to the trash can for me. Why do I feel so devalued? Why have I been conditioned to believe the lie that I don't matter, that my life is meager and not worthy, that I should be the one that bows down at everyone's feet? And why am I ok with it? I know the truth. I know it's a lie that I'm worthless, yet I am so uncomfortable when treated otherwise.