Take Time

I'm inspired to write today. It's been a while since I've been in a decent mindset to pour out my thoughts. Ironically, I'm confused and lost as ever. On days I write, I try to premeditate my entries. On my way to work today I had planned out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to articulate those thoughts. Yet my blogs never read the way I planned and I end up writing in a totally different direction than had been envisioned in my little brain.

I took time this morning. Simple as that. When I got out of bed I was deliberate about taking time and being fully present. I took the time to exercise. I took time to worship God. I took time to do a load of laundry. I took time to dry my hair, to pick out clothes and get dressed, to carefully put my face on. I concentrated while I lined my eyes in black, while I tied my shoes, while I made my coffee. I do these things everyday, but today I thought about what I was doing. I slowed down and concentrated on the moment. I was fully present while driving to work. I didn't get impatient by the slow moving Prius in front of me, I didn't swerve in and out of lanes to make sure I was going at least 9 mph over the speed limit at all times. I made it a point to not rush through my morning. And because of that, my head feels clear today. At the same time, I have so many issues that need to be cleansed from within me. I need Jesus to heal me. I need Jesus to allot me patience. I need Jesus to make in me a content heart. I need to fully trust Jesus.

This is a week of healing for me. It is also a week full of pain. I'm remembering events that transpired at the same time this week of last year. I'm opening old wounds. I'm having flashbacks. My heart feels like it's being ripped apart by wolves (I watched the movie The Grey this weekend). I've found myself voicing how badly I want to disappear, to run away from the piercing pain, to simply no longer feel the pain. I'm having a hard time breathing (literally). My chest is tight. I've cried so hard my eyes are bloodshot. I've hyperventilated. I've asked my dad, my mom, and my boyfriend to hold me. I'm prone to panic and anxiety attacks but have learned how to suppress them and not let anyone else see how much pain I'm in. But I want to get better. I want to heal. The only way that's possible is if I allow myself to hurt. I suck at articulating my needs. But God, through one of my great friends, told me that it's ok to share my weaknesses and my needs with the people that claim to love me. And if they truly love and care for me, they are going to do all they can to meet those needs. My fear is that they will see me as needy and a burden. I never want to be a burden to anyone. But I can't fully love if I'm feeling empty and broken. It's a new thought for me to communicate how I'm feeling. That I don't have to pretend to be a rock all the time. That voicing my past hurts and my needs does not make me a weak person. A front is what makes me a weak person. Holy crap. Revelation. I had the strength, the courage, to voice to Tim what I need from him in the season and state I'm currently in. He listened and responded. That wasn't so hard was it? I hope that gives me encouragement to continue this emotional honesty thing.

I'm ready for the next step in my life. Some of you are going to decipher this real quick and hopefully it remains cryptic to some. But I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward. Life is always going to have it's challenges and God is always going to place obstacles in front of us,  but when He gives us something good and He clearly marks it as being the right thing, you have to grasp it. Ironically it's not fully my decision to grasp and take hold of it. That's where the patience piece comes in. I know in my heart what I want and what God has placed in front of me. Now I simply need to ask Him to give me the patience to wait for it. Sucky. But it's totally worth it. I am so grateful for the gift He has given me and I need to be content with the state it's currently in. And hopeful for what it will grow into. I need to trust that whatever God's timing is and whatever He has planned for this next stage is His plan. Not mine!

"'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9