Be Still

As you may or may not know, up until the past year, my life was very turbulent. To be honest, I was living in a black hole. I ran away from God and into the arms of a comfort I thought would sustain me and make me happy. It didn't. It actually did the exact opposite. Many of you know the details of what my life looked like during this time and some of you may have no idea. I don't want to bore you with details. Rehashing my past is not what this blog is about. Needless to say, it was hard and painful. When God delivered me from that place He gave me many gifts. He allowed relationships with my family to be reestablished, He gave me the strength to finish school and get my Bachelor's degree, He provided me with great friends, He gave me an amazing man, He blessed me with an awesome job and provided me with awesome Christian co-workers. Blessed to say the least. Then He told me, "Be still." Yikes. Me? Be still? You've got to be kidding. If I'm not depressed or elated, things are uncomfortable. And in neither of those cases am I simply still. In the past year I've more often than not found myself waking up feeling content, flat lined (not dead flat lined, but just cruising along) and I hate it. I pray for God to fill me with passion, to show me what the next step is in my life. His response: Be Still, Be Patient, I am in control, let me fight for you, I know best. As I continue to push hard into Him in this time of quiet, I'm learning how to find joy in times that are calm.

I know how much I have to be grateful for. In order to find the joy He wants me to pursue, I need to continually (all day, everyday) thank Him for everything. For every opportunity. For every moment spent with my man. For every day that I wake up and go to my job. For the fact that I am living, breathing, loving. For such an awesome family. Yet I want to know what my future holds. I want to know what He has next for me. But for whatever reason He continues to tell me that this is a time of revival and prepartion. Either I am not prepared or whatever He is preparing for me is not ready.

I've asked God to light fires in me. And He has. Granted, they haven't been momentous, but He has directed me and filled my heart with stirrings. He's told me to have a conversation with Tim. At first I thought it was of my own hearts desires. I prayed for weeks and the answer came back, and continues to come back the same. He drills it into me that I need to express this to Tim. That I need to instigate this conversation. His voice in telling me to do so has not faltered. I've had an issue at work, and God quickly told me, discuss this with your co-worker. Yet I have failed to do so. I am fearful of others reactions. I am fearful of rejection. I am fearful of failure. Yet I know these things have been placed on my heart by the Lord. And yet I fail to obey.

So although I sit in frustration with this contentment I should not be allowed to complain. When God tests me with little challenges, with little stirrings in my heart that I have asked for Him to place there, I fail to answer.