2.Years.Later

I was talking to my dear friend the other day (am I allowed to use names? do blogs have to be anonymous? Well here is your shout out Mr. Tommy Lepke). We were sitting in what I'm now coining "the tree house" (in other words his beautiful Boulder home) talking about life, blogs, heart break, and the joy life can and will bring. It is so refreshing to have friends like him, that know my story, know my heart, and encourage me through Christ in all things. I was inspired to hop back on my blog after reading his new blog. It is indeed a great processing tool. When I did a search for this blog, because two years after my original post I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find it, I re-read my entries and was blown away by what consistently and apparently constantly plagues my heart. Control. And my inability to relinquish that control to my heavenly father.

I have a new friend in my life. He has a heart of gold (and unfortunately I'm not revealing his identity). His love for Jesus and the things God is doing through him blow me away. I've never met anyone like him. I've never met anyone with a heart so devoted to people and to loving like Jesus does. He has been persistent in inquiring about my heart, about who Carrie is, about what goes on in my little brain. For whatever reason I've had the hardest time opening up to him. I believe my past defines me. Not in a negative way but in the sense that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (oh hey, thanks Kelly Clarkson). I've got a painful past. I'll admit that. It's ugly. One that my family only knows bits and pieces of because I know how badly it would hurt them. But my story and experiences allow me to love people, to love them hard, to attempt to love them like Jesus loves me, to feel compassion and understanding for other people's hurts. Jesus is a healer, and I'm a living testament. Never in my life have I before been weary to let someone in, to let someone, anyone, know the darkest parts of my heart. Those heart wrenching stories are simply God's tools to show other people that He'll love them and comfort them no matter what. Never before have I had my heart on lock down. I'm not afraid to be known. In fact, I want to be an open book to whomever wants to know my story, because God uses my heartbreak as my biggest source of ministry. Any stranger, any friend, any guy I've dated in the past; no hesitation. I'm not afraid to let this guy know me. I want him to know what has shaped and molded me, I want zero secrets. Yet every time he asks I clam up. No words come out of my mouth. With encouragement from my dear friend Tommy, I wrote my story down. Unconventional? Heck yes. Sincere? You better believe it. I don't want to omit details. I want him to see my heart. Full disclosure. Wish.me.luck. And maybe say a little prayer for me.

I've been in a funk lately. My only answer has been to press hard into God's arms. I constantly feel alone, isolated, and anxious. God has put a huge gift in my life the past month, and I don't trust Him with it. I'm scared of getting hurt, scared He's dangling it in front of me only to snatch it away. If that's the case, I want him to take it now, before my heart gets stomped on. The visual of standing with my hands in front of me, palms up and open. "I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all." Take it Lord, for it was yours to begin with and is only lent to me for however long you plan.