So Blessed

It's the Friday before my Birthday, and I feel especially blessed by the relationships God has put in my life. I am on the verge of tears as I write this. God has given me some incredible friendships and I can't even believe how lucky I am to have these people love me. I went to Snooze for breakfast (pineapple upside down pancakes) with an amazing girl this morning to start the celebration. It blew my mind how genuinely thoughtful she was. I was so impressed by the growth in her life and I don't think in the past I've let myself open my eyes and fully see her for who she is, and God gave me that gift today.  The love in her heart for those she cares about blew me away. What a wonderful woman. A friendship is growing and blossoming there, and I am so grateful for that! My heart feels warm. God is so awesome! And it's awesome to see His love shine through the people I love. Just blowing my mind right now.

Focus During Christmas Time

Christmas Time. What a wonderful time of year. So beautiful to all senses: the sounds, the smells, the lights, the tastes, the smiles. As I sit here at Common Grounds (my mind has exceeded it's intake of information for today), all I can think about is Christmas time. I go to sleep every night with my Christmas tree lit and as I look at the glow across my room, I try to remind myself that those lights represent the light of Jesus Christ. I've been watching Indie Romance movies lately, and they have caused me to reminisce about some my old love. Yet when my mind starts to wander, God's voice immediately fills my thoughts. He is holding me. I'm held tightly in His arms. He is the comfort I need to seek. His is the love I should crave. And during Christmas, although I could find myself utterly depressed because the man I loved is no longer in my life and is not here to celebrate such a wonderful time of year, I am completely at ease and comforted because I get to celebrate the birth of Jesus without distractions. What a blessing!

Anxiety

Upcoming finals are really stressing me out. Not because I feel like I need to kick their butts or anything. I figured it all out. Even if I fail my finals, I will still pass all my classes. To top that off, aside from my GPA, none of these classes even matter since I just changed my major. So, why might you ask am I stressed? I am stressed because I'm not stressed. I believe I have the most awful anxiety of anyone I have ever met. I was riding the bus home from school yesterday, and I was stressed about the bus driver making stops to drop people off. As we were getting closer to my house, I felt my heart racing every time she would swing that big wheel to drop off or pick up another passenger. My heart would palpitate. What was I anxious about? Walking in my front door? To do what? Set my backpack down, get a drink of water, and start my homework? Man! Sounds like something someone should get all worked up over. My friend told me that it was "deep" that I'm stressed about not stressing over my finals. I don't think it's deep. I think it's silly. And to be honest, it makes me feel high strung. Am I high strung? I'd like to think not. But maybe I am. At my church they passed out pamphlets that directed us to go online and fill out spiritual gift and spiritual shadow assessments. I was creepily surprised by how accurate they were. My shadow. Take a guess. Ok. Not that hard. I just wrote the whole beginning portion of this blog on it. Fear and anxiety. Not at all surprising. My gift. Loyalty, compassion, and a caring heart. Again, not at all a surprise. It says I am a reader and a writer. Ding ding ding. Crazy how little things can say so much about you.....but let's get back to the anxiety. I get ready for outings hours ahead of time, and then find myself anxiously awaiting the time to leave for whatever outing. I watch my clock for when people are supposed to arrive places. I stress over fun weekend plans because I feel as though I should be devoting all my time to my books. I never seem to be "ok" in the moment. I HATE THAT. How do I fix this? I guess like everything I just need to ask God to take control. Dear goodness. Lord help me.

Magic

"The poison of the ordinary has deadened our senses to the magic of the moment." -Max Lucado

I take everything in life for granted. Education. Health. Jobs. Loved ones. Friends. Family. Even things like Christmas. This holiday season, like every other holiday season, I feel the magic. I want the magic. I get excited about the lights, cookies, music, present wrapping, plays, ballets, concerts, parades, trees, snow, mountains, dresses, tinsel, fires, hot chocolate, baking, time with loved ones, etc. I let the Christmas magic sweep over, but I need to remember that it is all to celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. What does His birth mean to me? It means that the example, the model of Christ's love was sent to this earth so that I may strive to  live like Him. It means that God sent His one and only son to love me and to die an awful death on the cross so that I may live eternally in heaven. This Christmas season, I am celebrating His life, the gift of my Savior. Our great God sent this perfect image of love, an everlasting and unconditional love, to let us know we are not alone and to eventually free us from our sins by way of the cross. I need to remember that everyday of the year. Not just during Christmas and Easter. I also need to be grateful for all that he has blessed me with. Everything I have came from him. They are privileges, not rights. I am BLESSED to have a loving family. I am BLESSED be as healthy as I am. I am BLESSED to have the opportunity at an education. I am BLESSED to have food to nourish my body and a roof over my head. I am BLESSED to have the means to buy loved one Christmas presents. I am blessed by all that I have which yield to such a wonderful life. Yet in my everyday life I find them to be simply ordinary. God didn't create us to live ordinary lives, we were created to live extraordinary ones. This Christmas season, in the magic, I am going to find Him, His light, in all that is part of the Holiday cheer. And I pray that I would be reminded that He and everything He has given me are wonderful, magical gifts.

Consistency

As I was reading through my journal this morning, this is what I found:
June 26, 2010
I want to seek solely God. Having him in my life on any condition was complete poison. My heart aches-but not to have him back in my life. I want to live a life completely glorifying to God. I want to reflect His Holiness in all I do and all that I am. I want to be pure and holy-defined by my maker.

July 7, 2010
My prayer to you Father:
Take my heart. Make it whole again. Fill those holes and cracks. Repair and mend the bruises. Let me find assurance and happiness in you alone. Don't let me waste the suffering. Allow me to learn form this loneliness and find myself in you. Define me! Shape my heart. Mold me to be like you. Keep my mind on pure and holy things. Keep me from selfish thoughts and help me accept myself for a masterpiece you created. Bring me back to you when my heart hurts. Let me feel your arms around me. Allow and remind me to realize that the Holy Father, the creator of this universe loves me. Wants a relationship with me. Wants me to long for his presence. Humble me. You are good. Heal my heart. Continue to let my desire for you burn. Help me to model my life after yours.

I consistently long for the same things. I consistently hurt in the same ways. This is almost identical to the post I wrote last night. I constantly struggle with returning to sin, and God calls me back every time. He causes me to ache for him.

Heavy Heart

First blog. And aside from the day it actually happened, I can sincerely say that today is the first day I've struggled. My heart is heavy today. I wish I weren't admitting it because I wish I wasn't feeling this way. I've been grumpy the past two days, and the people around me are suffering from it. I'm not portraying God's love because I honestly can say I haven't let Him hold me yet. I say everyday that I'm going to spend time with Him, but then convince myself other things are more pressing. I tell myself, "There is always tomorrow." This is so wrong. I am mad at myself  because I find myself falling prey to habits that I know are wrong. I self destruct. I always self destruct.  

After reflecting, I realize that I have grieved this loss before. The first time around I mourned, I denied, I  was angry. None of that has happened this time. Right now I am just sad. And let's be honest, at times I find myself guiltily becoming territorial and jealous. I fabricate things in my mind that, let's face it, are simply my imagination soaring. And even if they weren't, why does it matter? This is what I want. This is what I know is right. This is what I know is good. As said in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, "He's not a tame lion, but he is good."

Some of the reasons I was so excited about this break was because I thought I would have more time to pursue the things that are important. First and foremost, Jesus Christ. I want to pursue Him with every breath. I want to think about him every second of every day. I want to feel him in my pulse. I want Him to dominate my consciousness. I don't want my old relationship to be a chain. I don't want my image or school to consume me, to define me. I want to do things I enjoy. And I want to enjoy them while being wrapped up in God's love. I don't want to be distracted by attention from boys, by work, by the image of what I think my life should look like, but solely by God's all encompassing love. I want His plan, His grace, His love, to be the most important thing I seek. I want Him to define me. I also want to pursue myself and the things He wants me to be. I want to give more of me to friends and family. I want His plan to be my plan.