Heavy Heart

First blog. And aside from the day it actually happened, I can sincerely say that today is the first day I've struggled. My heart is heavy today. I wish I weren't admitting it because I wish I wasn't feeling this way. I've been grumpy the past two days, and the people around me are suffering from it. I'm not portraying God's love because I honestly can say I haven't let Him hold me yet. I say everyday that I'm going to spend time with Him, but then convince myself other things are more pressing. I tell myself, "There is always tomorrow." This is so wrong. I am mad at myself  because I find myself falling prey to habits that I know are wrong. I self destruct. I always self destruct.  

After reflecting, I realize that I have grieved this loss before. The first time around I mourned, I denied, I  was angry. None of that has happened this time. Right now I am just sad. And let's be honest, at times I find myself guiltily becoming territorial and jealous. I fabricate things in my mind that, let's face it, are simply my imagination soaring. And even if they weren't, why does it matter? This is what I want. This is what I know is right. This is what I know is good. As said in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, "He's not a tame lion, but he is good."

Some of the reasons I was so excited about this break was because I thought I would have more time to pursue the things that are important. First and foremost, Jesus Christ. I want to pursue Him with every breath. I want to think about him every second of every day. I want to feel him in my pulse. I want Him to dominate my consciousness. I don't want my old relationship to be a chain. I don't want my image or school to consume me, to define me. I want to do things I enjoy. And I want to enjoy them while being wrapped up in God's love. I don't want to be distracted by attention from boys, by work, by the image of what I think my life should look like, but solely by God's all encompassing love. I want His plan, His grace, His love, to be the most important thing I seek. I want Him to define me. I also want to pursue myself and the things He wants me to be. I want to give more of me to friends and family. I want His plan to be my plan.