Awe.

Christmas time is upon us. Seriously...it's creeping up very quickly. Today is Decmeber 4th. That means Santa is visiting in just 21 days. That means three weeks. I can hardly believe how fast time goes. The older I get, the faster it seems to race by.

Last week I was really upset about the upcoming festivities that surround Christmas. My Birthday is the week before and between Birthday celebrations, Christmas parties, family gatherings, spending Christmas and New Years in Pennsylvania, and trying my best to enjoy the holiday cheer, I was frustrated. Actually, I was more than frustrated. I found myself on the couch in the prayer room at work crying in anticipation of the upcoming weeks. Overwhelmed. Tired. Drained. I have expectations for this Christmas season. I have things that I want to happen, magic I want to see, prayers that I want God to answer. Over the weekend, He took those expectations from me. I don't think those prayers are going to be answered this holiday season and despite that revelation I have an overwhelming peace. God allowed me to realize that this time of year isn't about me and my expectations. It isn't about me and the things I want. It's about Him. It's about this gift God sent from heaven to save me from this world and from my awful sins. EVERYTHING I do this holiday season should be in His name: the gifts I receive, the events I enjoy, the decorations, the music, all of it! In living like that I want to exude His light by loving everyone around me. No Grinch status. Strangers on the street, my co-workers, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, the people I see at church, anyone I encounter throughout my day. I want to exude God's love, His grace, the knowledge of His gift of salvation and an eternity with Him.

I want to prepare my heart for the coming of the King. I want to remember and learn more about who He is, what He did, how He loved. To help, I'm diving into the bible. I'm doing three holiday devotionals leading up to December 25th. Ambitious I know. But it forces me to think about more than just the presents and the tinsel. One of the devotions is based on Christmas Carols and today's really inspired me. It talked about having awe inspiring moments and how technology and the fast paced world we live in, we don't often have "awe" moments. It challenged me to think of the last time I was truly in awe. I wish I could travel back in time, knowing what I know, and watch Jesus be born. I am pretty sure that would be the most magnificent event I or anyone else could experience. Yes, I know it wasn't a glamorous scene. It was a gross and nasty stable with gross and nasty smells and sounds and blah blah blah. But our Savior! Entering this world! Coming to save me! I'm challenging myself after reading this to find "awe" moments, especially this Christmas season. I want to allow God to sensitize my heart to these type of moments, and I want to give Him praise and glory for all He's done by entering this world.

Be Still

As you may or may not know, up until the past year, my life was very turbulent. To be honest, I was living in a black hole. I ran away from God and into the arms of a comfort I thought would sustain me and make me happy. It didn't. It actually did the exact opposite. Many of you know the details of what my life looked like during this time and some of you may have no idea. I don't want to bore you with details. Rehashing my past is not what this blog is about. Needless to say, it was hard and painful. When God delivered me from that place He gave me many gifts. He allowed relationships with my family to be reestablished, He gave me the strength to finish school and get my Bachelor's degree, He provided me with great friends, He gave me an amazing man, He blessed me with an awesome job and provided me with awesome Christian co-workers. Blessed to say the least. Then He told me, "Be still." Yikes. Me? Be still? You've got to be kidding. If I'm not depressed or elated, things are uncomfortable. And in neither of those cases am I simply still. In the past year I've more often than not found myself waking up feeling content, flat lined (not dead flat lined, but just cruising along) and I hate it. I pray for God to fill me with passion, to show me what the next step is in my life. His response: Be Still, Be Patient, I am in control, let me fight for you, I know best. As I continue to push hard into Him in this time of quiet, I'm learning how to find joy in times that are calm.

I know how much I have to be grateful for. In order to find the joy He wants me to pursue, I need to continually (all day, everyday) thank Him for everything. For every opportunity. For every moment spent with my man. For every day that I wake up and go to my job. For the fact that I am living, breathing, loving. For such an awesome family. Yet I want to know what my future holds. I want to know what He has next for me. But for whatever reason He continues to tell me that this is a time of revival and prepartion. Either I am not prepared or whatever He is preparing for me is not ready.

I've asked God to light fires in me. And He has. Granted, they haven't been momentous, but He has directed me and filled my heart with stirrings. He's told me to have a conversation with Tim. At first I thought it was of my own hearts desires. I prayed for weeks and the answer came back, and continues to come back the same. He drills it into me that I need to express this to Tim. That I need to instigate this conversation. His voice in telling me to do so has not faltered. I've had an issue at work, and God quickly told me, discuss this with your co-worker. Yet I have failed to do so. I am fearful of others reactions. I am fearful of rejection. I am fearful of failure. Yet I know these things have been placed on my heart by the Lord. And yet I fail to obey.

So although I sit in frustration with this contentment I should not be allowed to complain. When God tests me with little challenges, with little stirrings in my heart that I have asked for Him to place there, I fail to answer.

One Purpose: Glorify His Name

The message at church Sunday morning overwhelmed me. I love sermons that are layered. That are intricate. That may impact new believers, but that also penetrate the souls that have known Jesus for a long time. Scott talked about tempation and the times that Jesus has been tempted by the Devil. He talked about how we often take shortcuts, and how we often use the saying "Just this once." It's so true. How many times do you find yourself longing for instant gratification. But the truth is, we were placed on this earth by our maker for one reason alone: To serve our Lord and to bring Him glory. A shortcut means that we aren't living for Him but are living to fill the voids in our own lives. Here's the thing: God never said life would be easy. He never said we wouldn't be tempted. He never said that we wouldn't suffer. Look at His life! He lived and died so that we may be saved. You think that's easy? You think it's easy to hang on a cross? To get spat on? To be mocked and made fun of? To be perfect in every aspect of life and resist temptation? To have a crown of thrones mashed into your skull? To be brutally whipped? To be betrayed by your own friends? To carry a cross whilst covered in blood and just about naked? To know this was all coming and feel the despair and anguish and know that your only choice is to obey your Father?

I'm not on this earth to be happy and chase butterflies. God will bring me joy but it's entirely possible that I'm going to suffer through the process. He didn't create me to suffer, but he didn't create me to live a selfish and self satisfying life. He created me to serve Him, to further His kingdom, to glorify Him in ALL that I do. I don't do any of that often and that's the only reason on I'm this earth. Yikes. So when I think about the little issues in life that plague me, (health, money, work, relationships) I have to stop and remember, I am living and breathing for Him alone. And it may not be easy. Fact: it won't be easy. I'm going to suffer. I want to live that life. I want to strive to be all that He created. I want to bring Him glory. Because in bringing Him glory and furthering His kingdom, He will show me true joy.

Jesus vs. Satan

Life tends to be a constant roller coaster for me. A battle between my living God and Satan for control over my heart. Anytime I draw near to my creator and feel His goodness, Satan takes jabs at my heart. The sucky part: I know it. And I feel helpless.

Yesterday I was motivated to compose a blog about all the wonderful people in my life. I have some amazing girlfriends, both old and new. I had a great conversation about God and bold prayers the other night with a long time sister in Christ. It was inspiring. I left feeling uplifted and on fire for God. I had dinner and drinks with another dear friend the other night. I just love her heart. I spent the weekend with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. And not only did I feel cared for by my boyfriend, but I felt intensely cared for by his guy friends. I've recently met a couple and love their hearts for Jesus. The wife of the couple has become someone I feel like I can walk the hard road with on our path to know our dear Savior better.

Then today...I wake up and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Not physically, but strictly emotionally. Although I mustered the energy to get out of bed and walk my butt into work, I feel dead inside. I feel alone. I'm scared. I'm empty. And I ache. And I have no.idea.why. And I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being attacked. I'm sick of asking my friends, my family, my boyfriend, to pray for this sadness and ache that seems trivial because it stems from no where. I feel like I'm suffocating, so I ask for help. And then after I ask for help, I instantly regret it. Shouldn't I be stronger and more independent than to cry out for help. This is no one's problem but my own. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting.

Thank you to all that sent encouraging bible verses and prayed for me today. Thank you for your love. I don't deserve it.

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

"'You know Satan will attack when you try and draw nearer to our Creator. Well get behind me Satan,' he said." Matthew 16:23

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 21:8

Take Time

I'm inspired to write today. It's been a while since I've been in a decent mindset to pour out my thoughts. Ironically, I'm confused and lost as ever. On days I write, I try to premeditate my entries. On my way to work today I had planned out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to articulate those thoughts. Yet my blogs never read the way I planned and I end up writing in a totally different direction than had been envisioned in my little brain.

I took time this morning. Simple as that. When I got out of bed I was deliberate about taking time and being fully present. I took the time to exercise. I took time to worship God. I took time to do a load of laundry. I took time to dry my hair, to pick out clothes and get dressed, to carefully put my face on. I concentrated while I lined my eyes in black, while I tied my shoes, while I made my coffee. I do these things everyday, but today I thought about what I was doing. I slowed down and concentrated on the moment. I was fully present while driving to work. I didn't get impatient by the slow moving Prius in front of me, I didn't swerve in and out of lanes to make sure I was going at least 9 mph over the speed limit at all times. I made it a point to not rush through my morning. And because of that, my head feels clear today. At the same time, I have so many issues that need to be cleansed from within me. I need Jesus to heal me. I need Jesus to allot me patience. I need Jesus to make in me a content heart. I need to fully trust Jesus.

This is a week of healing for me. It is also a week full of pain. I'm remembering events that transpired at the same time this week of last year. I'm opening old wounds. I'm having flashbacks. My heart feels like it's being ripped apart by wolves (I watched the movie The Grey this weekend). I've found myself voicing how badly I want to disappear, to run away from the piercing pain, to simply no longer feel the pain. I'm having a hard time breathing (literally). My chest is tight. I've cried so hard my eyes are bloodshot. I've hyperventilated. I've asked my dad, my mom, and my boyfriend to hold me. I'm prone to panic and anxiety attacks but have learned how to suppress them and not let anyone else see how much pain I'm in. But I want to get better. I want to heal. The only way that's possible is if I allow myself to hurt. I suck at articulating my needs. But God, through one of my great friends, told me that it's ok to share my weaknesses and my needs with the people that claim to love me. And if they truly love and care for me, they are going to do all they can to meet those needs. My fear is that they will see me as needy and a burden. I never want to be a burden to anyone. But I can't fully love if I'm feeling empty and broken. It's a new thought for me to communicate how I'm feeling. That I don't have to pretend to be a rock all the time. That voicing my past hurts and my needs does not make me a weak person. A front is what makes me a weak person. Holy crap. Revelation. I had the strength, the courage, to voice to Tim what I need from him in the season and state I'm currently in. He listened and responded. That wasn't so hard was it? I hope that gives me encouragement to continue this emotional honesty thing.

I'm ready for the next step in my life. Some of you are going to decipher this real quick and hopefully it remains cryptic to some. But I'm ready. I'm ready to move forward. Life is always going to have it's challenges and God is always going to place obstacles in front of us,  but when He gives us something good and He clearly marks it as being the right thing, you have to grasp it. Ironically it's not fully my decision to grasp and take hold of it. That's where the patience piece comes in. I know in my heart what I want and what God has placed in front of me. Now I simply need to ask Him to give me the patience to wait for it. Sucky. But it's totally worth it. I am so grateful for the gift He has given me and I need to be content with the state it's currently in. And hopeful for what it will grow into. I need to trust that whatever God's timing is and whatever He has planned for this next stage is His plan. Not mine!

"'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

Greener Grass from the Past

The past is hard for me. I don't really like a lot of parts of my past. There are many parts that I look back on quite fondly, but there are also parts that I look back on and I get sick to my stomach. Here's the thing, I wouldn't trade those moments (good or bad) for anything in this world. They have shaped and formed me into the lady I am today. Granted, I'm not perfect. I haven't reached my full potential. God's not done with me. There will always be work that needs to be done in and through me. There will always be parts of me that need healing. I will always be on a journey. My destination will never be reached, and I love that.

Other people's pasts are also hard for me. Why? I have no idea. My heart aches when I know the events and wrongs that have happened to people in my life. Suffering is such an awful thing and it kills me to know so many have suffered. It especially hurts me to know that a lot of people regret and wish they could change their pasts. I don't believe our pasts define us, but they do shape us into who we are today. Without the events and people entered our pasts, none of us would be who we are now. Our character would be different, our values, our priorities, our demeanor...the list goes on. Yet I become resentful when I view other's pasts aches. I either resent the event or the people that hurt these loved ones.

Yet I know these events, these people, these parts of us all bring us to where we are. And I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful that my past has led me to be at the job I'm at, to have the close knit family I have, to live in the state (oh beautiful Colorado) I'm in, to have the friends around me I have. I'm so grateful that the circumstances have somehow brought the people in my life to where they are and how they are. Your past may suck. Your past may be beautiful. But you are where you are for a reason. Your journey is not over. The important thing is to seek God's will for the next step. Stay close to Him. He may not have an easy road planned for you, but He promises that He will do good. He will always protect you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. He will always bring you to the other side. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the other side is truly greener.

Hearts Desire

There are numerous passages in the bible about God answering prayer and answering the desires of your heart. Whenever I see these verses my anxiety spikes.

"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24

"...whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22
 "You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you." John 15:16

"I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." John 11:22

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:2

"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it" John 14:13-14

"Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

The list goes on and on..

I also know that God will change the desires of your heart according to His plan for you. I know His plan prevails above all else. He knows better than me, He knows what my future looks like because He planned it. He has brought me through my past to where I am today for a reason. He is going to do great things in me and through me. My future is bright because He alone is in control.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The one thing I have consistently and always wanted, deep in my heart and for as long as I can remember, is to have a constant companion and someday be a wife. Growing up I would be on the ski hill talking to myself, pretending I was talking to my husband. I was probably like 6 years old. I'd pretend we were both there and "we" would make plans to go home and make dinner and hot tub together (a ritual after a hard day on the slopes). Instead of having an imaginary friend I had an imaginary husband. He literally went with me everywhere. (This is the first time I've ever admitted to having an imaginary husband. Please be kind). When I was in high school, I predicated I'd be married by 21. Anyone that has been in my life when I've been in a relationship knows how loyal and devoted I am, and it's because I thrive in that environment. My strengths come out. My heart has always longed for a great man to spend my life with. God has changed other desires within me, but this has always been a constant. Sadly, I've been in a few too many " bad" relationships. I have a self worth problem. I don't believe that God is going to grant the desires of my heart because he hasn't done so in the past. In fact, I've been "used and abused" to the nth degree. I don't feel like I deserve a great, Godly, amazing man. I don't know how to be treated well. I don't know how to be cared for. I've never experienced that before, and hence it scares the crap out of me. Now that I have this great, Godly, amazing man, I am scared to death that God is going to take him from me. I have this notion that God is going to say, "Here's a teaser. This guy is amazing. He cares about you, he takes care of you, he treats you like a princess, he loves me. He's amazing. And you two are amazing together. You care about him, you adore him, you love being in his company, you could take care of him for the rest of your life. Now I'm taking him away from you." I don't trust that it's real or that it's going to last. I find myself in this depressed state, pre-mourning a loss that I feel is inevitable. And it's a lie. I know in my head that I deserve better, that I am (as Tim puts it) a queen, that I am God's daughter, that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, that I deserve to have Tim in my life right now. This all resonates in my head. But my heart can't grasp it and it causes me extreme anxiety. I pray about it constantly. I know the devil is trying to sabotage this relationship and he knows this is my weakness. It's a lie that I shouldn't let into my heart. I read into things way too much because I'm paranoid of being tossed aside. Last night I was reading these "signs" (I'm sure it was my imagination, or the devil creating these "signs") and I got an awful pit in my stomach. I felt sick to my stomach. For the first time, I was attacked when I was in Tim's presence and I had to share this weakness with him. The outcome, conversation, and prayer that followed was all God's work. I was open with Tim, but it hurt. He reacted wonderfully.  Truth was spoken. We prayed. I cried.  I should feel extremely encouraged today. I saw even more so last night how amazing this man is, how God centered his life is. And I think it scared me even more. I am left today with this dark cloud over my head. Excuse me, but wtf? I know I'm stronger than this. I know God wants better  for me than this.  

God, heal me from what ails my heart.