Be Still

As you may or may not know, up until the past year, my life was very turbulent. To be honest, I was living in a black hole. I ran away from God and into the arms of a comfort I thought would sustain me and make me happy. It didn't. It actually did the exact opposite. Many of you know the details of what my life looked like during this time and some of you may have no idea. I don't want to bore you with details. Rehashing my past is not what this blog is about. Needless to say, it was hard and painful. When God delivered me from that place He gave me many gifts. He allowed relationships with my family to be reestablished, He gave me the strength to finish school and get my Bachelor's degree, He provided me with great friends, He gave me an amazing man, He blessed me with an awesome job and provided me with awesome Christian co-workers. Blessed to say the least. Then He told me, "Be still." Yikes. Me? Be still? You've got to be kidding. If I'm not depressed or elated, things are uncomfortable. And in neither of those cases am I simply still. In the past year I've more often than not found myself waking up feeling content, flat lined (not dead flat lined, but just cruising along) and I hate it. I pray for God to fill me with passion, to show me what the next step is in my life. His response: Be Still, Be Patient, I am in control, let me fight for you, I know best. As I continue to push hard into Him in this time of quiet, I'm learning how to find joy in times that are calm.

I know how much I have to be grateful for. In order to find the joy He wants me to pursue, I need to continually (all day, everyday) thank Him for everything. For every opportunity. For every moment spent with my man. For every day that I wake up and go to my job. For the fact that I am living, breathing, loving. For such an awesome family. Yet I want to know what my future holds. I want to know what He has next for me. But for whatever reason He continues to tell me that this is a time of revival and prepartion. Either I am not prepared or whatever He is preparing for me is not ready.

I've asked God to light fires in me. And He has. Granted, they haven't been momentous, but He has directed me and filled my heart with stirrings. He's told me to have a conversation with Tim. At first I thought it was of my own hearts desires. I prayed for weeks and the answer came back, and continues to come back the same. He drills it into me that I need to express this to Tim. That I need to instigate this conversation. His voice in telling me to do so has not faltered. I've had an issue at work, and God quickly told me, discuss this with your co-worker. Yet I have failed to do so. I am fearful of others reactions. I am fearful of rejection. I am fearful of failure. Yet I know these things have been placed on my heart by the Lord. And yet I fail to obey.

So although I sit in frustration with this contentment I should not be allowed to complain. When God tests me with little challenges, with little stirrings in my heart that I have asked for Him to place there, I fail to answer.

One Purpose: Glorify His Name

The message at church Sunday morning overwhelmed me. I love sermons that are layered. That are intricate. That may impact new believers, but that also penetrate the souls that have known Jesus for a long time. Scott talked about tempation and the times that Jesus has been tempted by the Devil. He talked about how we often take shortcuts, and how we often use the saying "Just this once." It's so true. How many times do you find yourself longing for instant gratification. But the truth is, we were placed on this earth by our maker for one reason alone: To serve our Lord and to bring Him glory. A shortcut means that we aren't living for Him but are living to fill the voids in our own lives. Here's the thing: God never said life would be easy. He never said we wouldn't be tempted. He never said that we wouldn't suffer. Look at His life! He lived and died so that we may be saved. You think that's easy? You think it's easy to hang on a cross? To get spat on? To be mocked and made fun of? To be perfect in every aspect of life and resist temptation? To have a crown of thrones mashed into your skull? To be brutally whipped? To be betrayed by your own friends? To carry a cross whilst covered in blood and just about naked? To know this was all coming and feel the despair and anguish and know that your only choice is to obey your Father?

I'm not on this earth to be happy and chase butterflies. God will bring me joy but it's entirely possible that I'm going to suffer through the process. He didn't create me to suffer, but he didn't create me to live a selfish and self satisfying life. He created me to serve Him, to further His kingdom, to glorify Him in ALL that I do. I don't do any of that often and that's the only reason on I'm this earth. Yikes. So when I think about the little issues in life that plague me, (health, money, work, relationships) I have to stop and remember, I am living and breathing for Him alone. And it may not be easy. Fact: it won't be easy. I'm going to suffer. I want to live that life. I want to strive to be all that He created. I want to bring Him glory. Because in bringing Him glory and furthering His kingdom, He will show me true joy.