The past is hard for me. I don't really like a lot of parts of my past. There are many parts that I look back on quite fondly, but there are also parts that I look back on and I get sick to my stomach. Here's the thing, I wouldn't trade those moments (good or bad) for anything in this world. They have shaped and formed me into the lady I am today. Granted, I'm not perfect. I haven't reached my full potential. God's not done with me. There will always be work that needs to be done in and through me. There will always be parts of me that need healing. I will always be on a journey. My destination will never be reached, and I love that.
Other people's pasts are also hard for me. Why? I have no idea. My heart aches when I know the events and wrongs that have happened to people in my life. Suffering is such an awful thing and it kills me to know so many have suffered. It especially hurts me to know that a lot of people regret and wish they could change their pasts. I don't believe our pasts define us, but they do shape us into who we are today. Without the events and people entered our pasts, none of us would be who we are now. Our character would be different, our values, our priorities, our demeanor...the list goes on. Yet I become resentful when I view other's pasts aches. I either resent the event or the people that hurt these loved ones.
Yet I know these events, these people, these parts of us all bring us to where we are. And I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful that my past has led me to be at the job I'm at, to have the close knit family I have, to live in the state (oh beautiful Colorado) I'm in, to have the friends around me I have. I'm so grateful that the circumstances have somehow brought the people in my life to where they are and how they are. Your past may suck. Your past may be beautiful. But you are where you are for a reason. Your journey is not over. The important thing is to seek God's will for the next step. Stay close to Him. He may not have an easy road planned for you, but He promises that He will do good. He will always protect you, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. He will always bring you to the other side. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes, the other side is truly greener.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Hearts Desire
There are numerous passages in the bible about God answering prayer and answering the desires of your heart. Whenever I see these verses my anxiety spikes.
"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24
"...whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22
"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you." John 15:16
"I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." John 11:22
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:2
"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it" John 14:13-14
"Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
The list goes on and on..
I also know that God will change the desires of your heart according to His plan for you. I know His plan prevails above all else. He knows better than me, He knows what my future looks like because He planned it. He has brought me through my past to where I am today for a reason. He is going to do great things in me and through me. My future is bright because He alone is in control.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
The one thing I have consistently and always wanted, deep in my heart and for as long as I can remember, is to have a constant companion and someday be a wife. Growing up I would be on the ski hill talking to myself, pretending I was talking to my husband. I was probably like 6 years old. I'd pretend we were both there and "we" would make plans to go home and make dinner and hot tub together (a ritual after a hard day on the slopes). Instead of having an imaginary friend I had an imaginary husband. He literally went with me everywhere. (This is the first time I've ever admitted to having an imaginary husband. Please be kind). When I was in high school, I predicated I'd be married by 21. Anyone that has been in my life when I've been in a relationship knows how loyal and devoted I am, and it's because I thrive in that environment. My strengths come out. My heart has always longed for a great man to spend my life with. God has changed other desires within me, but this has always been a constant. Sadly, I've been in a few too many " bad" relationships. I have a self worth problem. I don't believe that God is going to grant the desires of my heart because he hasn't done so in the past. In fact, I've been "used and abused" to the nth degree. I don't feel like I deserve a great, Godly, amazing man. I don't know how to be treated well. I don't know how to be cared for. I've never experienced that before, and hence it scares the crap out of me. Now that I have this great, Godly, amazing man, I am scared to death that God is going to take him from me. I have this notion that God is going to say, "Here's a teaser. This guy is amazing. He cares about you, he takes care of you, he treats you like a princess, he loves me. He's amazing. And you two are amazing together. You care about him, you adore him, you love being in his company, you could take care of him for the rest of your life. Now I'm taking him away from you." I don't trust that it's real or that it's going to last. I find myself in this depressed state, pre-mourning a loss that I feel is inevitable. And it's a lie. I know in my head that I deserve better, that I am (as Tim puts it) a queen, that I am God's daughter, that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, that I deserve to have Tim in my life right now. This all resonates in my head. But my heart can't grasp it and it causes me extreme anxiety. I pray about it constantly. I know the devil is trying to sabotage this relationship and he knows this is my weakness. It's a lie that I shouldn't let into my heart. I read into things way too much because I'm paranoid of being tossed aside. Last night I was reading these "signs" (I'm sure it was my imagination, or the devil creating these "signs") and I got an awful pit in my stomach. I felt sick to my stomach. For the first time, I was attacked when I was in Tim's presence and I had to share this weakness with him. The outcome, conversation, and prayer that followed was all God's work. I was open with Tim, but it hurt. He reacted wonderfully. Truth was spoken. We prayed. I cried. I should feel extremely encouraged today. I saw even more so last night how amazing this man is, how God centered his life is. And I think it scared me even more. I am left today with this dark cloud over my head. Excuse me, but wtf? I know I'm stronger than this. I know God wants better for me than this.
God, heal me from what ails my heart.
"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24
"...whatever you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." Matthew 21:22
"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you." John 15:16
"I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him." John 11:22
"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:2
"Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it" John 14:13-14
"Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
The list goes on and on..
I also know that God will change the desires of your heart according to His plan for you. I know His plan prevails above all else. He knows better than me, He knows what my future looks like because He planned it. He has brought me through my past to where I am today for a reason. He is going to do great things in me and through me. My future is bright because He alone is in control.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
The one thing I have consistently and always wanted, deep in my heart and for as long as I can remember, is to have a constant companion and someday be a wife. Growing up I would be on the ski hill talking to myself, pretending I was talking to my husband. I was probably like 6 years old. I'd pretend we were both there and "we" would make plans to go home and make dinner and hot tub together (a ritual after a hard day on the slopes). Instead of having an imaginary friend I had an imaginary husband. He literally went with me everywhere. (This is the first time I've ever admitted to having an imaginary husband. Please be kind). When I was in high school, I predicated I'd be married by 21. Anyone that has been in my life when I've been in a relationship knows how loyal and devoted I am, and it's because I thrive in that environment. My strengths come out. My heart has always longed for a great man to spend my life with. God has changed other desires within me, but this has always been a constant. Sadly, I've been in a few too many " bad" relationships. I have a self worth problem. I don't believe that God is going to grant the desires of my heart because he hasn't done so in the past. In fact, I've been "used and abused" to the nth degree. I don't feel like I deserve a great, Godly, amazing man. I don't know how to be treated well. I don't know how to be cared for. I've never experienced that before, and hence it scares the crap out of me. Now that I have this great, Godly, amazing man, I am scared to death that God is going to take him from me. I have this notion that God is going to say, "Here's a teaser. This guy is amazing. He cares about you, he takes care of you, he treats you like a princess, he loves me. He's amazing. And you two are amazing together. You care about him, you adore him, you love being in his company, you could take care of him for the rest of your life. Now I'm taking him away from you." I don't trust that it's real or that it's going to last. I find myself in this depressed state, pre-mourning a loss that I feel is inevitable. And it's a lie. I know in my head that I deserve better, that I am (as Tim puts it) a queen, that I am God's daughter, that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, that I deserve to have Tim in my life right now. This all resonates in my head. But my heart can't grasp it and it causes me extreme anxiety. I pray about it constantly. I know the devil is trying to sabotage this relationship and he knows this is my weakness. It's a lie that I shouldn't let into my heart. I read into things way too much because I'm paranoid of being tossed aside. Last night I was reading these "signs" (I'm sure it was my imagination, or the devil creating these "signs") and I got an awful pit in my stomach. I felt sick to my stomach. For the first time, I was attacked when I was in Tim's presence and I had to share this weakness with him. The outcome, conversation, and prayer that followed was all God's work. I was open with Tim, but it hurt. He reacted wonderfully. Truth was spoken. We prayed. I cried. I should feel extremely encouraged today. I saw even more so last night how amazing this man is, how God centered his life is. And I think it scared me even more. I am left today with this dark cloud over my head. Excuse me, but wtf? I know I'm stronger than this. I know God wants better for me than this.
God, heal me from what ails my heart.
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