Life tends to be a constant roller coaster for me. A battle between my living God and Satan for control over my heart. Anytime I draw near to my creator and feel His goodness, Satan takes jabs at my heart. The sucky part: I know it. And I feel helpless.
Yesterday I was motivated to compose a blog about all the wonderful people in my life. I have some amazing girlfriends, both old and new. I had a great conversation about God and bold prayers the other night with a long time sister in Christ. It was inspiring. I left feeling uplifted and on fire for God. I had dinner and drinks with another dear friend the other night. I just love her heart. I spent the weekend with my amazing boyfriend and his friends. And not only did I feel cared for by my boyfriend, but I felt intensely cared for by his guy friends. I've recently met a couple and love their hearts for Jesus. The wife of the couple has become someone I feel like I can walk the hard road with on our path to know our dear Savior better.
Then today...I wake up and feel like I've been hit by a truck. Not physically, but strictly emotionally. Although I mustered the energy to get out of bed and walk my butt into work, I feel dead inside. I feel alone. I'm scared. I'm empty. And I ache. And I have no.idea.why. And I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being attacked. I'm sick of asking my friends, my family, my boyfriend, to pray for this sadness and ache that seems trivial because it stems from no where. I feel like I'm suffocating, so I ask for help. And then after I ask for help, I instantly regret it. Shouldn't I be stronger and more independent than to cry out for help. This is no one's problem but my own. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for hurting.
Thank you to all that sent encouraging bible verses and prayed for me today. Thank you for your love. I don't deserve it.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14
"'You know Satan will attack when you try and draw nearer to our Creator. Well get behind me Satan,' he said." Matthew 16:23
"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 21:8
